Breaking Free from Emotional Constipation: A Step-by-Step Guide for Men Struggling with Anger - Entry by Jessica Wright

I see you. You’re the type that doesn’t want to feel, the type that ignores the discomfort—maybe you’ve been avoiding dealing with your anger for years. Perhaps it’s only recently that you’ve been forced to face it—whether it’s impacting your relationships, your job, or your own well-being. Maybe you’re terrified of opening up, of confronting the demons you’ve hidden for so long.

Growing up, did you ever hear the phrase “man up”? If you did, have you ever wondered what purpose that served? Was it to make you strong or to make you suppress your feelings? Maybe it made you feel like a robot—no emotions, no vulnerability. It’s understandable if you’ve internalized that message, especially if the men around you showed no space for expressing emotions.

Anger, for many men, can become a familiar companion. You know it’s not ideal, but it’s comfortable. It’s what you know. But what if you could break free from it and create deeper connections with those around you? Imagine how your relationships might improve if you could open up fully, without fear of judgment or rejection.

You might be thinking, “Can she even understand this? She’s not a man.” Well, I’ve spent hours working with men from all walks of life—including those in incarceration, struggling with anger, trauma, and emotional suppression. Though these men may be at the extremes, they share traits with men you might know in your own life. They’ve often hit rock bottom, and yet when they finally open up, they express deep regret for not addressing their issues earlier.

I write this not to judge, but to raise awareness of a problem that, if addressed early, could save countless lives and relationships. I’ve witnessed firsthand how anger—when left unchecked—can lead to painful consequences, like the breakdown of marriages. My first marriage, which ended in divorce, was a direct result of anger issues, and it caused ripples that affected families for years. If my ex had been able to talk through his emotions, we might have saved both time and money spent on our constant conflict.

Could Anger Be Affecting You?

Our spouses often act as mirrors, reflecting the good, the bad, and the ugly about ourselves. While we might not want to hear it, sometimes the feedback we get is an opportunity to grow. If you’re unsure whether your anger is a problem, ask yourself:

● Have people in your life often mentioned that you have anger issues? Whether it's irritability, controlling behavior, raising your voice, or even physical aggression—these are signs that it might be time to take a closer look.

● Does your anger affect your kids? Are they saying things like “Daddy yells too much,” or do you hear echoes of your own anger when they play or interact with others?

● How has your past shaped your anger? Trauma and stress from your childhood or adult life can affect how you react as an adult. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz can help you better understand how past experiences shape your behavior.

● Do you minimize it? Maybe you were told anger was normal or expected, and you don’t see it as an issue. However, others might be seeing the damage it’s causing.

● Could it be something else? If you often feel down, anxious, or overwhelmed, those underlying emotions could be expressing themselves through anger. It might be worth looking deeper into depression or anxiety.

How to Work Through Anger

If you're ready to work through your anger, it's important to start by acknowledging it. Here are some ways to begin:

1. Acknowledge the Problem: The first step to change is recognizing that your anger might be affecting your life and relationships. Don’t minimize it—be honest with yourself.

2. Identify the Root Causes: Look at your past experiences and identify where the anger might have started. Was it from childhood trauma, social expectations, or past relationship dynamics?

3. Talk About It: Find a trusted friend, partner, or therapist to help you explore your emotions. Talking about what’s going on beneath the anger can help release some of its grip.

4. Develop Coping Mechanisms: Anger isn’t something you can just wish away. You need tools to manage it, whether it’s deep breathing, mindfulness, or physical outlets like exercise.

5. Be Patient: Working through anger takes time, and it’s important to be kind to yourself during the process. Understand that you’ve been carrying this weight for a long time, and healing won’t happen overnight.

6. Anger isn’t the issue. It’s the outburst of anger and not recognizing what builds the outburst in the first place.

By facing anger head-on, you can begin to transform it from a destructive force into an opportunity for growth. Doing so not only improves your life but also enhances the lives of those you love.